i wish there were pregnant emoticons
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
