i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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