No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
