my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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