Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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