the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
