My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
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He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
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How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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