I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
