oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
