Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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