Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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