Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
