I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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