Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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