Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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