I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
