He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
