sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
