i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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