Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
