god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sponge bath it is.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
