I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
