Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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