I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
