"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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