Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
