I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
