bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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