I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
