Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
