why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
