It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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