ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
