Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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