dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
