i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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