There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I wish you could order shots online.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
