evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
