1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
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I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
MIDGETS
????
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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