just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
