sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
