I just saw a hot homeless man
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
