I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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