Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My vagina just recognized that song.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
