I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
