Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
