dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
