Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
