I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
This is the high leading the old right now
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
