i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
