I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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