I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
