The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
