I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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