i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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