I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
